God is There in Every Circumstance

 Jan's story


Nebraskan native Jan Utecht and her husband, Rick, moved more than a dozen times over the 28 years he spent in the Air Force and Air National Guard. Coming to Christ as a young adult, she had to learn that God had a plan and a purpose for her wherever she lived. 

The couple were married in her hometown of Omaha, and then lived for four months in Panama City, Florida, before moving to Great Falls Montana where they spent a couple of years and had their first son, Jeremiah. When Rick was sent on a remote tour of Alaska, Jan returned briefly to Nebraska, spent some time in Hawaii to help family, and then returned to Omaha to take care of her father. During this chaotic time, she was able to spend one month in Alaska with Rick while he was on leave, and it was at this time that she came to know Christ as her Savior.
Following his time in Alaska, the couple lived the Air Force life, moving to Texas, New Mexico, Florida (where they had their second son, Richard) and Utah.
While living in Utah, Jan says she had a lot of questions about her still relatively new faith, and she wanted to pursue knowing the Bible more. She had a dear friend who lead her through the study "The Five Assurances" and then through the first two books of "Design for Discipleship". When Rick received his new orders to move to Spain, Jan was emotional about that move.
"I was sad because I had finally found someone to mentor me. I knew I was going to really miss Bonnie," Jan says.

The couple moved to a tiny town outside of Madrid, where there were only a few other American couples. But God surprised Jan when one of the couples invited her and Rick to a Bible Study, where they just happened to be going through the next book in "Design for Discipleship."
"What God brought home to me was that it would not matter where I would go, He would always be ahead of me," she says. "He is always in control and I didn't need to worry."

After two years in Spain, the family moved to England, where they spent about four years. Returning to the states, they lived in Texas and Oregon before moving to Fargo, N.D., where they spent the next 11years. 
When Rick retired as a base commander in Fargo with the Air National Guard, they decided to visit their son who was spending a year in Japan for school. While there, a new opportunity presented itself when Rick was hired as contractor with the military. The couple then learned about the need for temporary missionaries to work at the Cadence International hospitality house in Masawa, Japan. While Rick vocalized that they were not missionaries, they felt compelled to pray about the offer. And after they had both spent time praying, they agreed God had called them to serve. So Rick maintained his job with the military while they also served as missionaries for four years. They then served as full-time missionaries the last two and a half years they lived in Japan.

While living in Japan, the couple experienced physical turmoil -- experiencing a 9.0 earthquake and the resulting tsunamis -- as well as spiritual opposition.
"Everything that was evil wanted us out of there," Jan says. "We encountered spiritual evil that undermined our ministry, and we fought a constant undertone of darkness."
But they were able to see some light, with God helping them to start their first Japanese Bible study after the tsunamis hit Japan. 
But the temporary position continued on longer than they had planned, stretching their finances.
"We were praying that God would make it obvious what we need to do."

The answer to their prayers came, but not in the way they had planned or wanted. A CAT scan showed a bulge in Jan's neck, and she was diagnosed with a tumor.
The couple flew to Honolulu to discuss having a delicate surgery. They needed a second opinion, but were running out of time. So they prayed, and laid it all at God's feet, recognizing they were completely dependent on Him.
"Both of us slept great that night after we gave it all away," Jan says.
The next day, within just a few short hours, connections were made and God provided a way to get their second opinion. And God provided everything else they needed to get the surgery including transportation and housing.
"We had been giving of ourselves so much. We had one small country church in Wisconsin that prayed for us and offered support through connections," Jan says. "All these provisions God was giving us was just so reassuring."

Jan had a long recovery after her surgery, so they, sadly, had to close the ministry in Japan. They handed their Bible study over to their son Richard and his wife, who remained.
They lived for three years in Wisconsin before Rick took a job as a contracted instructor pilot in Gunsan, South Korea. While Rick worked remotely on base for two years, Jan spent time leading a Bible study for military women who worked on the base.
This past November, the Utechts sold their condo in Wisconsin and moved to Northwest Arkansas so they could be near their youngest son, his wife and their two kids.

Recently a second tumor found in her neck has derailed some of her plans in Northwest Arkansas and left her wondering a bit about God's plans for her here.
She says she has spent a lot of time trying to figure out her purpose. And God brought her to the conclusion that she was just supposed to live day by day dependent on Him.
And she now sees that her many life experiences leads to opportunities where she can connect with others in conversation and relate to them in their various situations.
"He just wants my willingness to love people," she says. "I know what it's like to be the foreigner and to be lonely. In the past I had to learn how to just be alone with God. It comes down to me and Him and His Word."
"God has provided for me in all circumstances. I've learned that He is completely trustworthy. This is a love relationship with an awesome God who is always showing me something more about who He is. I am still learning."

Embracing God's Painting of Her Life

Jeanette Hudgeons believes God gave her a desire to be a wife and mother since she was a little girl. An artist, she had a perfect picture drawn in her imagination of what her family would look like. And for a while, it looked like that painting would become a reality.
She grew up in Northern Kansas surrounded by a large family, including four siblings. She became a Christian as a young teenager, had a blessed high school life with good grades and accomplishments in sports, and then majored in art in college, where she met her husband, Dean.

But then, three years into their marriage, the doctors told her and Dean they would probably never have biological children.
"It just devastated me," Jeanette says. "I wish I could say I handled it with grace and understanding, but really I was like the story of Hannah: praying and weeping."
She says she struggled hard with her infertility, but eventually realized what she was wrestling with was really her pride.
"I wanted so badly for my plans to be God's plans," she says. "And God really humbled me. I surrendered. I got on my knees, and I visually handed over my paint brush to Him. He whitewashed the beautiful picture I had of what I though my life should be, and I just had to trust that His plans and ways are higher than ours."

The idea to adopt really came from her husband, who Jeanette says was not as devastated by the infertility diagnosis. With Jeanette facing the realization that God is always the one in control, the couple began their adoption adventure while living in Topeka.
Their daughter, Emily's birth mom was a college student who wanted her daughter to have both mother and a father. Embracing the open adoption, they built a relationship with Emily's mother and family on her mom's side.

Shortly after the adoption of their daughter, Jeanette and her husband received a call on a Wednesday night about two brothers who needed a home. The couple had 30 minutes to make a decision about adding the half-Korean boys, both older than their daughter, to their family.
"Dean and I prayed about it, and we just knew they were our boys," Jeanette says. Their names - Samuel (like Hannah's son) and Michael (Jeanette's brother's name), confirmed to them that God chose the two boys to be part of their family. They agreed to the adoption, met the two little boys the next day, and finalized the adoption in the Manhattan, Kansas, courthouse the following day.
Jeanette says adoption is certainly not the "easy way" to build a family, but that she and Dean have received confirmation from God during every adoption. For instance, Emily's birth mother chose Emily's middle name to be Elaine, which just happens to be Jeanette's middle name. 
"God was always letting us know He was with us," she says.

Following the first three successful adoptions, the couple suffered a loss when they came forward to adopt a baby boy named Talon but after eight days had to give the little boy back to the birth mother's family.
"That was one of the hardest days of our lives because we had fallen in love with him," she says.
"We told our other children that it was like the story of Moses, where his mom had to, by faith, put him in a basket and send him down the Nile River and trust God to take care of him. We continue to pray for Talon 20 years later."

Two months after saying goodbye to Talon, the couple's next daughter, Aunah was born. Aunah's birth mom was raped at 16 and one of her teachers talked her out of having an abortion.
"Aunah's story is truly amazing, and it's wonderful to see how God protected her and brought her to this family."
Aunah was not quite a year old when they got the next call about a 15-year-old mom looking for someone to adopt her daughter. At this point the family was learning to listen to the voice of God instead of the voices of others who were telling them they had enough children or that their kids were too young to add another.
"When we stopped listening to others, and just focused on listening to God, we had no reason to say no," Jeanette says.
Their daughter Abbey, who was expected to be bi-racial, was born white, and the birth mother decided to try to keep her. It was difficult for Jeanette and Dean to not be able to leave the hospital with her. But a week later, the birth mother had another change of heart, and Abbey became part of the Hudgeons family.

The couple next adopted a little boy named Isaac who's birth mom had hidden her pregnancy from her entire family. Now they had six children ages 10 and under.
"Life at times was overwhelming," Jeanette says. "God was so good to provide so we could cover adoption costs and fees and buy all the diapers and formula. It was a lot of stepping out in faith and just knowing God was going to be there for us."
And while Jeanette describes that time of having so many little ones at home as being chaos and a blur, Dean had the idea to go for baby No. 7. Two months later their son Tucker was adopted.
"He is a sweet blessing and the perfect caboose to the Hudgeons' train."

Jeanette describes adoption as an incredible mix of emotions, pain and joy, where the hand of God can be seen in the whole process. And she is willing to walk beside and mentor any other couples who are considering adoption or going through adoption process.
She says the painting God painted of her family is beautiful, but it also has dark areas — areas of pain and trials. She says each adoption and relationship with the birth mothers/fathers are different, but they do try to keep in contact as much as possible. She says open adoption has been a blessing to her family.
"It's interesting how God brought us all together and put us together as a family. God is working in each of their lives. Honesty is important in our family. Trying to let them know their stories and how good and gracious God is to protect them and connect them to us."

Four years ago the family moved to Northwest Arkansas. They have two college graduates, Samuel and Emily, and Emily is married. Michael is also married and is in the Army and expecting his first child. Aunah is attending the University of Arkansas and Abbey is at JBU. Only Isaac and Tucker remain at home.
"God took me from a place of crying out "why me?" to still crying out but in a different way," Jeanette says. "Now I ask 'Why did you choose to bless me like this?'"
"Now I am a mother to the seven most amazingly unique kids. They've taught me and continue to teach me so much. They are all different races and their personalities are all over the map, too. But we appreciate the giftedness of each one of them. They fuss like typical siblings, but they are protective of each other."

Jeanette says  the hardest struggle for her as a parent is with worry. With seven kids, she knows she would be spending most of her time worrying, so she continues to pray and trust God that He is working out His perfect plan for their lives. She says the best thing she has done is draw close to God, walk with Him, and let Jesus be the center of her joy. She sees her job of raising her kids as one of the highest callings to be given. She strives to to pray for her kids, be a good example to them on how they can live their lives, and love them through whatever happens. She says, as a family, they just lock arms and go through life together.
"I'm the one being blessed," Jeanette says. "I now look at God's painting of the Hudgeons family and marvel at the beauty, grace, and mercy of it all. It is more beautiful than anything I could have painted or imagined. All Glory goes to God."

Putting Away Shame

Our lives are made up of moments.

Most of the moments are mundane, ordinary.

But, some of the moments are huge, impactful.

And sometimes those big moments come so early in our lives that they somehow shape every other moment that comes after. Such a life-changing moment happened to Julie when she was only 4 years old.

It was at this tender age that she was sexually molested by her slightly older cousin, at the urging and direction of her other teenage cousins.
The assaults, occurring on three separate occasions, shaped Julie’s future in ways she did not really uncover and face until she was an adult.
Her cousins convinced her she was to blame, and threatened to tell on her to her parents. So she lived with the secret.

This made her childhood very difficult. She did not want to be around other children, because after all, children were the ones that hurt her. Instead, she preferred the company of her imaginary friends or adults who she trusted.
Her hurt and trust issues carried into her teen years. Julie not only felt guilt for what happened to her as a young child, but also shame, which she refers to as a "whole different animal."

That shame dragged her into depression, and she turned to alcohol to cope with her emotions. Many other incidents of shame followed: a teen pregnancy that ended with her parent’s strongly choosing abortion, drinking sessions that ended in blackouts, being too intoxicated too defend against another man who raped her at a party, and others.
Julie told herself that she deserved every bad thing that happened in her life because of what “she did” as a 4 year old child.

Julie did have some good break through the bad. One vivid memory of her father showing Christ-like grace and forgiveness happened when she became pregnant at 16. She recalled how he picked her up, almost like cradling a baby, and held her. He cried with her and whispered, “I love you. We will get through this.” The compassion and unconditional love he showered upon her, reshaped just a little bit how she saw herself.

Over the years, shame continued to drag her down. Constantly at the center of her thoughts was what a “bad” person she was for what her 4-year-old self did. The continual need for love and approval to dispel the “bad” led to a co-dependent marriage that produced two children and ended after 16 years.
Julie then quickly entered a relationship with a man who was verbally abusive, telling her all the terrible things she had been thinking about herself nearly her whole life. Again, she believed this kind of treatment was deserved and only served as a reflection of her own internal voice.

At the end of 2016, Julie's father passed away. Like her mother, her father died never knowing the truth about the trauma she endured as a child nor the excessive drinking or rape. Shortly after the passing of her father, her abusive relationship ended, and Julie says she hit her lowest point. She knew there had to be more to life than hating your very existence but getting there seemed overwhelming. Julie strongly considered suicide. She wanted to die and end this life long battle within herself. The secret of carrying all that shame was debilitating and destructive.

In January of 2017, Julie spent a long night wrestling with God. On the one hand, she wanted to die and begged him to bring her home. Yet on the other, she knew a God that dearly loved her and was urging her to seek help. Ultimately, Julie spent 5 weeks in a treatment center for depression. While there, Julie was asked to complete an exercise where she would write her four-year-old-self a letter and in return, her four-year-old-self must write her adult-self a letter.
"It took me hours to gain the courage. I did not want anything to do with that awful 4-year-old child. In my mind, she did terrible things and I was not her. In tears, I asked God to take my thoughts, take my pen and guide me through the words I needed to hear. When I finally finished writing and read the letters, I knew they were not my words, but directly from God," she says. "They were full of Grace, love, compassion and kindness, none of which I felt for myself."

Julie came to the realization that she did not hate her four-year-old self. In fact, her young self was her hero. The young Julie had developed many coping skills to protect herself and make herself strong enough to survive. Julie clearly remembers her days spent in fairy tale world, wrapped up in imaginary stories. It was a way of detaching from the pain.
"She saved me," Julie says.

Her time at the treatment center helped her realize that nothing her four-year-old self endured was her fault. Julie could finally release the shame she had been carrying around for so long.
Julie's family had attended church, and she had clear memories of talking with God when she was young. She was even baptized in the fifth grade.
But it wasn't until after her time at the treatment center that she realized God had been with her at every point of her life, even when she thought she didn't deserve His love.
"I can't re-write my past but I can re-frame it and look for when God showed up, loved me and held me in his arms – just as my Earthly father did so many years ago. I can intentionally choose to focus on God’s abundant grace, his love and his guiding hand. I can also intentionally choose not to focus on the traumatic events of my life but instead own my story and allow God to use it however he sees fit. Shame no longer has a place at the table. I am loved and I am worthy of love."

This last year and a half Julie has started studying the Bible, becoming consumed with learning as much as she can and being obedient to what God wants her to do. She even began taking free online courses with Dallas Theological Seminary and applied to become a seminary student.
She has also found support at Grace Point Church, where she splits time between there and Fellowship Bible Church.

Julie wants others to understand that therapy is brutal and hard work. It takes an emotional, mental intensity like nothing she has ever experienced, but the end result is true joy, and a passion for living that only comes from surrendering to God and allowing him to be the center of your life. Working through the multiple layers of trauma with true professionals, has allowed Julie to look in the mirror for the first time in her life, and not only like who she sees, but also speak kindly to that woman. When going through the tough emotional work of her therapy, Julie continually repeated Hebrews 10:36 that says, "You must persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." She now rejoices in God’s kept promise as he has prepared her and brought her to a place where a healthy relationship is her beautiful reality. For the first time in her life, Julie is giving and receiving love in a healthy way.

Julie now wants to share her story with others to help those who might be carrying around the heavy burden of shame. As a public school employee, she says she especially wants to help other young girls out there who have endured trauma, but feel too much shame to talk to others about it. She wants them to know there is hope in Christ.

"When you take shame out of the picture, it's a re-awakening and a weight is lifted off your shoulders." Julie continues, “Guilt says ‘I did a bad thing’ but shame says, “I am bad. Knowing the difference between the two is vital to the healing process."

God’s faithfulness – a lifeline

Below is a story of God's faithfulness written by my friend, Leslie. Leslie is a pastor's wife of more than 30 years and works alongside her husband in a ministry that strengthens and encourages other ministry couples. She says this story is deeply personal, but not only hers to tell, so we have changed the name of her son to preserve his privacy.

From Leslie:

My story begins 32 years ago, September 1985 to be exact.  I was seven months pregnant with my third child the morning I heard God’s voice.  A visiting pastor gave an invitation for those needing prayer to step forward that Sunday.  My prayer concerned our finances.  We didn’t have health insurance and I wasn’t sure how we could pay the hospital bill when our baby arrived. 

I stood at the back of the large group gathered at the alter.  As I prayed, a man stood directly behind my right shoulder and firmly proclaimed these words, “Your son will be just fine.” 
I was caught off guard.  What a strange thing to say!  I didn’t know if the baby I was carrying was a boy or girl, though I’d been hoping for a boy since we already had two girls.  Also, I had been asking God to intervene in a financial way, I wasn’t worried about the health of the child.  I opened my eyes and quickly turned to see who had spoken to me.  No one stood there.  I was at the back of the group and a little away from them.  I saw no others walking around praying over the group.  No one was making his way back to his seat.  Could that man’s voice actually have been the voice of God?  I was skeptical, but I didn’t dismiss the notion out of hand.

Later that day I shared my experience with my mother and my husband, then I tucked it away in my heart.  Sure enough, two months later I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  Somehow or other, the hospital bills got paid and I rarely ever thought about that Sunday morning in September.
Fast forward 14 years.  My son was having problems in school.  We’d moved away from the only home he’d know to a more urban area three hours north, and he’d gone from the warm cocoon of a small Christian school to the rather terrifying world of a large public middle school.  He was angry and rebellious and had attempted to run away from home on one occasion.  One night, as I was crying out to the Lord, I heard His still small voice whisper to my heart, “What did I tell you all of those years ago before Adam was born?” 

I had to take a minute to think about it.  Suddenly I remembered the man’s voice.  “Your son will be just fine.”  The peace of God filled my mind.  Whatever troubles lay ahead, I knew my son would make it through middle school because God had a plan for him.  He would be fine, though I still felt it was a strange choice of words.
The years passed and now I had an 19-year-old on my hands.  This boy of mine never took the easy road.  He’d decided that college was not for him, but hitch-hiking around the United States was.  He left home with a backpack, but no cell phone.  I had no way of knowing if my son was dead or alive.  Again, during a time of fear and sadness, the Lord quickened my heart with the reminder, “Your son will be just fine.”  And, he was.  He came home from his adventure and announced that he needed more disciple and responsibility in his life.  He was joining the Army.  My mother’s heart sunk.  Our nation was at war in Iraq and my only son was signing up to go.  This time I reminded God of His words.  “You said my son would be just fine, I’m counting on you to keep your word!” God’s promise 20 years earlier kept me going.  It was my lifeline.

My son, Adam, eventually came home after serving four years in the Infantry, 15 months of which were spent in active combat.  My happy, care-free, slightly irresponsible, goofy boy was now a man; battle hardened and battle scarred.  He experienced events I hope to never see.  He lived through the pain of his best friend’s death and the agonizing reality of taking the life of another human being.  His eyes were that of an old man.  His thoughts were filled with turmoil, his dreams were filled with terrors. 

Over the course of the next several years I watched my son shrink.  I watched as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) took its toll on his mind and his body.  I watched as he coped with his pain by self-medicating with alcohol and with the prescription drugs that the VA handed out like candy.  I prayed.  I held on to God’s promise that he would be “just fine”.  I reminded God on a regular basis of His words to me.  The waiting and watching was hard.  I clung to that promise, I believed, I trusted. 
Slowly things began to change.  Slowly healing came.  Slowly life came back into my son’s eyes and I heard him laugh again.  A big, gangly black lab/shepherd puppy played a large part of the story.  Bear, became Adam’s best friend.  Bear, became his service dog.  Bear, with his unconditional love, his joie de vivre, and his silly antics helped pull my son away from the edge and back to life.  A move to another part of the country, a “chance” meeting with his lost buddy’s cousin, and many other God-directed circumstances brought about greater healing.  “Just fine” became much more.  He was healing.  He was on his way!
Then, a desperate phone call.  “Bear is sick, please pray!”  Another, “Bear is dying, there’s nothing the vet can do.”  Finally, the stark text, “Bear is dead.”

I cried.  I railed at heaven.  I didn’t understand.  I was angry.  However, even through the pain I heard God speak to my heart.  “Your son will be just fine.”  I argued with God.  I questioned Him.  Yet, there had always been that thread weaving in and out of my son’s life like a beautiful gold cord in a gray tapestry.  I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I stood firm and held on.  I believed God.  I took him at His word.  I trusted Him.  What else could I do?
Several years have passed since that awful night.  Life has taken on a pattern of normalcy.  There is a new dog.  There is a precious wife.  There is a new job, new hobbies, new passions.  He really is “fine”. 

I wish that I could say that all is well in my son’s world.  I wish I could say that he loves God with all of his heart and is walking out his life’s purpose with strong faith.  It isn’t.  He isn’t.  He has questions.  He has compartmentalized certain areas of his life in order to survive.  He is wounded still, deep down at his very core.  But, he is a survivor.  He is still walking his way out of the darkness.
I don’t know my son’s future.  I don’t know how God is going to take all of his broken pieces and craft something beautiful.  I don’t know how his story is going to encourage others.  But I do know that God has a plan.  He has always had a plan.  He was kind enough to share part of that with me while my son was still safely tucked away under my heart. He knew I would need that encouragement, that lifeline, that beautiful gold cord that is stronger than all of my doubts and fears.
Now, I believe my Father has changed the words around a bit.  Today He tells my heart, “Your son will be more than ‘just fine’”.  I know with every fiber of my being that this too is true.  I have peace in my heart that “He who began a good work in Adam will be faithful to complete it.” Philippians 1:6
Did you catch that?  I have peace, because God’s faithfulness is a lifeline to those in need."

Seeing Emmanuel in the every day

I have been a Christian since I was a young child. I grew up in the church and pursued Jesus the best I could in my young adult years. I made many mistakes like everyone does, but still tried. 
Like all other areas of my life, having children changed me spiritually.
When my husband and I welcomed our first son six weeks earlier than expected, I felt God's presence more clearly than ever in the following weeks spent at the hospital's NICU. As a family, we leaned on God to help us through our son's multiple health issues and the many sleepless nights of his first year. We praised Him when our baby became a stronger toddler and then a "normal" healthy preschooler.
But after I had my second son, I entered a dry spell in my walk with God. I still tried to read the Bible and pray, I still tried to go to church regularly, and I tried to focus on the many blessings in my life.
Despite these efforts, as a stay-at-home mother, I began to feel stuck in a spiritual and emotional rut. I became easily distracted during my quiet times, and I found it more difficult to get out of the house and join other Christian women.
And I was tired. So very tired. Reading the Bible and having a daily quiet time became just more things for my exhausted mind to do, and, honestly, I found less and less time to do them.
Now that my children are a little older, I am starting to find a better rhythm again, spiritually and emotionally. But I still find myself too distracted by the To-Do list, derailed often by minor sicknesses and rescheduled appointments. I also discovered from self-reflection that I have slowly given up many of the things that used to bring me true pleasure and traded them for somewhat pleasurable time-killers.
This is my season of life: trying to re-focus on God and draw closer to Him so I can follow Him into whatever the next season brings. I believe I am called to focus on my boys and creating a home for them that is safe and loving. But I also believe God has called me to reach out to other women, in all seasons of life, and let them know that God is with them, wherever they are.
Emmanuel is one of my favorite names for God, because I love the idea of Jesus being right with me. I know that in the mundane of everyday, it can be easy to not see Him. But He is there.
So I'm opening up this blog for ladies I know and respect to share their stories about their Emmanuel and how He is with them every day. I am not sure how lives will be touched through this venture, but God knows. I invite you to join us as we talk about Jesus in the everyday of our lives.