Putting Away Shame

Our lives are made up of moments.

Most of the moments are mundane, ordinary.

But, some of the moments are huge, impactful.

And sometimes those big moments come so early in our lives that they somehow shape every other moment that comes after. Such a life-changing moment happened to Julie when she was only 4 years old.

It was at this tender age that she was sexually molested by her slightly older cousin, at the urging and direction of her other teenage cousins.
The assaults, occurring on three separate occasions, shaped Julie’s future in ways she did not really uncover and face until she was an adult.
Her cousins convinced her she was to blame, and threatened to tell on her to her parents. So she lived with the secret.

This made her childhood very difficult. She did not want to be around other children, because after all, children were the ones that hurt her. Instead, she preferred the company of her imaginary friends or adults who she trusted.
Her hurt and trust issues carried into her teen years. Julie not only felt guilt for what happened to her as a young child, but also shame, which she refers to as a "whole different animal."

That shame dragged her into depression, and she turned to alcohol to cope with her emotions. Many other incidents of shame followed: a teen pregnancy that ended with her parent’s strongly choosing abortion, drinking sessions that ended in blackouts, being too intoxicated too defend against another man who raped her at a party, and others.
Julie told herself that she deserved every bad thing that happened in her life because of what “she did” as a 4 year old child.

Julie did have some good break through the bad. One vivid memory of her father showing Christ-like grace and forgiveness happened when she became pregnant at 16. She recalled how he picked her up, almost like cradling a baby, and held her. He cried with her and whispered, “I love you. We will get through this.” The compassion and unconditional love he showered upon her, reshaped just a little bit how she saw herself.

Over the years, shame continued to drag her down. Constantly at the center of her thoughts was what a “bad” person she was for what her 4-year-old self did. The continual need for love and approval to dispel the “bad” led to a co-dependent marriage that produced two children and ended after 16 years.
Julie then quickly entered a relationship with a man who was verbally abusive, telling her all the terrible things she had been thinking about herself nearly her whole life. Again, she believed this kind of treatment was deserved and only served as a reflection of her own internal voice.

At the end of 2016, Julie's father passed away. Like her mother, her father died never knowing the truth about the trauma she endured as a child nor the excessive drinking or rape. Shortly after the passing of her father, her abusive relationship ended, and Julie says she hit her lowest point. She knew there had to be more to life than hating your very existence but getting there seemed overwhelming. Julie strongly considered suicide. She wanted to die and end this life long battle within herself. The secret of carrying all that shame was debilitating and destructive.

In January of 2017, Julie spent a long night wrestling with God. On the one hand, she wanted to die and begged him to bring her home. Yet on the other, she knew a God that dearly loved her and was urging her to seek help. Ultimately, Julie spent 5 weeks in a treatment center for depression. While there, Julie was asked to complete an exercise where she would write her four-year-old-self a letter and in return, her four-year-old-self must write her adult-self a letter.
"It took me hours to gain the courage. I did not want anything to do with that awful 4-year-old child. In my mind, she did terrible things and I was not her. In tears, I asked God to take my thoughts, take my pen and guide me through the words I needed to hear. When I finally finished writing and read the letters, I knew they were not my words, but directly from God," she says. "They were full of Grace, love, compassion and kindness, none of which I felt for myself."

Julie came to the realization that she did not hate her four-year-old self. In fact, her young self was her hero. The young Julie had developed many coping skills to protect herself and make herself strong enough to survive. Julie clearly remembers her days spent in fairy tale world, wrapped up in imaginary stories. It was a way of detaching from the pain.
"She saved me," Julie says.

Her time at the treatment center helped her realize that nothing her four-year-old self endured was her fault. Julie could finally release the shame she had been carrying around for so long.
Julie's family had attended church, and she had clear memories of talking with God when she was young. She was even baptized in the fifth grade.
But it wasn't until after her time at the treatment center that she realized God had been with her at every point of her life, even when she thought she didn't deserve His love.
"I can't re-write my past but I can re-frame it and look for when God showed up, loved me and held me in his arms – just as my Earthly father did so many years ago. I can intentionally choose to focus on God’s abundant grace, his love and his guiding hand. I can also intentionally choose not to focus on the traumatic events of my life but instead own my story and allow God to use it however he sees fit. Shame no longer has a place at the table. I am loved and I am worthy of love."

This last year and a half Julie has started studying the Bible, becoming consumed with learning as much as she can and being obedient to what God wants her to do. She even began taking free online courses with Dallas Theological Seminary and applied to become a seminary student.
She has also found support at Grace Point Church, where she splits time between there and Fellowship Bible Church.

Julie wants others to understand that therapy is brutal and hard work. It takes an emotional, mental intensity like nothing she has ever experienced, but the end result is true joy, and a passion for living that only comes from surrendering to God and allowing him to be the center of your life. Working through the multiple layers of trauma with true professionals, has allowed Julie to look in the mirror for the first time in her life, and not only like who she sees, but also speak kindly to that woman. When going through the tough emotional work of her therapy, Julie continually repeated Hebrews 10:36 that says, "You must persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." She now rejoices in God’s kept promise as he has prepared her and brought her to a place where a healthy relationship is her beautiful reality. For the first time in her life, Julie is giving and receiving love in a healthy way.

Julie now wants to share her story with others to help those who might be carrying around the heavy burden of shame. As a public school employee, she says she especially wants to help other young girls out there who have endured trauma, but feel too much shame to talk to others about it. She wants them to know there is hope in Christ.

"When you take shame out of the picture, it's a re-awakening and a weight is lifted off your shoulders." Julie continues, “Guilt says ‘I did a bad thing’ but shame says, “I am bad. Knowing the difference between the two is vital to the healing process."